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I attempted enjoying Elden Ring with out enjoying Elden Ring, and it was going effective till I bumped into essentially the most terrifying boss of all of them


I ought to have been higher. However I’m not, and right here I’m.

A Tarnished named Timmy sits by the positioning of grace tucked simply inside Nokron, Everlasting Metropolis. On this cavernous, overwhelming locale, as with all of the others he’s handed via to get right here, he’s obtained all the ability a fighter may ever hope for coursing via his veins. The issue is, proper now, it’s completely ineffective to him.

This uber-god amongst demigods – resembling Kurt Russell if he had been to lose an eye fixed and endure from the sort of frostbite you’d solely get doing nude snow angels on the north pole – seems mournfully down the trusty medallion he’s simply unequipped. The medallion that malign and mocking forces past his information have modded in order that it makes him completely invincible. The medallion that, thus far, has helped him greatest the likes of Rennala, Godrick, and the mighty Radahn in a single go.

This medallion has allowed him to waltz via the Lands Between typically bloodied, however by no means bearing a scratch – in open defiance of god, standard opinion, and, most egregiously, Hidetaka Miyazaki.

He throws it away.

Instantly, he watches his well being bar evaporate from a terrific lake right into a tiny puddle, as a result of, in his heady flight near the solar of final energy, he’s completely forgotten to place factors into Vigour. His physique begins to break down, below the lifeless weight of drugs that’s tantamount to a lead coffin for these with out limitless capability.

With out this medallion, he’s only a man. A person pressured to strip bare and hunt via his stock for armour that gained’t shatter his glass backbone in two.

As soon as he’s cobbled some improvised clothes collectively, weak and susceptible, he emerges from the walled sanctuary and takes the primary steps of his new life throughout a uninteresting stone courtyard lit by chilly, distant stars. As he wanders, taking care to keep away from the few minor foes that stand between him and his purpose, he remembers how simple issues have been so far.

The phrases of Miyazaki, a ceaseless advocate for the valiant wrestle, echo via his thoughts. “If we actually needed the entire world to play the sport, we may simply crank the issue down an increasing number of. However that wasn’t the correct method,” the voice booms. “Had we taken that method, I don’t assume the sport would have carried out what it did, as a result of the sense of accomplishment that gamers acquire from overcoming these hurdles is such a basic a part of the expertise. Turning down issue would strip the sport of that pleasure – which, in my eyes, would break the sport itself.”


Timmy the Tarnished standing before a mist gate in Elden Ring.
Again into the fray he dives, mortal as soon as extra. | Picture credit score: FromSoftware

As The Tarnished reaches the lair of the boss that awaits him, he thinks about what it implies that his personal chagrin – what the sport itself has repeatedly known as “inappropriate exercise” – has introduced him to this battle. He stares into the mist, questioning whether or not he has thrown away his solely likelihood to actually respect a terrific factor, because it was meant, for causes as unhappy as they’re foolish.

He concludes that he most likely has. However, in some perverse and illogical method, the sacrifice continues to be price it, as a result of it led to this. He traverses the barrier.

Inside, the identical infernal creature that pressured him to surrender, abandon his runes, and teleport away simply minutes in the past greets him…with a face that appears a bit like a frostbitten Kurt Russell. This time, it gained’t be unkillable. However neither will Timmy. This mirrored pair of completely ineffective builds – one piloted by a pc that is aware of what it’s doing, one manned by a human who clearly doesn’t – cross swords earlier than a crowd of uncaring stone pillars.

Timmy places up combat, driving his adversary to the brink of defeat. Then, for the primary time (through a implies that isn’t falling off of a really excessive factor), he dies.

His soul slinks again to the Nokron website of grace, humiliated and hopeless. He is aware of he can’t hand over that simply, so he tinkers along with his gear, swapping a flame-based ash of battle for a bleed-based one, identical to his allies-in-arms – who’re really expert in boss-battling and have the temperament required for it – beneficial. He farms some runes and truly factors some factors into Vigour.

Then he tries once more. And once more. And once more. He’s getting just a little bit nearer each time, regardless of having had one panicked try to make use of the Remembrance of the Starscourge go utterly awry in unbelievably goofy trend. He’s present process the method. However, regardless of his greatest efforts, he’s not having fun with it. He appears like he’s banging his head towards a wall, and he does not assume that the rush of adrenaline he’ll get when he lastly manages to defeat his foe will likely be price it.


Timmy the Tarnished getting into a stone coffin in Elden Ring.
Is it throughout, this cursed journey? | Picture credit score: VG247/FromSoftware

He’s tried to search out pleasure in life as a digital flagellant, however the penance on provide merely doesn’t attraction to him. He sees the imaginative and prescient, and he sees why different folks find it irresistible a lot. It simply isn’t for him. And that’s OK. He’s been quietly having a wonderfully effective time with this warped, imperfect model of Elden Ring. The one drawback is, the world’s most ineffective unstoppable power has now run into an immovable object.

However there’s one final hope. One final gambit. Timmy heads again to see the Mimic Tear yet one more time. Simply earlier than he passes via the mist, he lays down his arms, unequipping his sword and defend. As quickly as he emerges on the opposite aspect, his doppelganger prices at him, unleashing a flurry of fists.

Staying afloat because the tidal wave of mild blows washes over him, Timmy re-equips his sword. He nearly feels dangerous doing it. Nearly.

As Timmy sits by the brand new website of grace he’s simply activated, re-equipping his accused medallion and changing into invincible as soon as extra, he hears some extra phrases from Miyazaki in his head. “I figured if I may discover a solution to take management of the sport, I may flip it into something I needed. Better of all, if my concepts failed, no one would care – it was already a failure.”

This failure, the one which feels it ought to attempt to get higher at FromSoft video games, however merely doesn’t wish to, rises to its toes.

Off it strides, ever deeper into this recreation that it’s taken management of, and turned it into what it desires, one thing that permits it to get pleasure from and respect the remainder of the nice work that’s gone into crafting the expertise, figuring out that the actual fact it’s carried out so isn’t the top of the world.


Should you’d wish to experiment with Timmy’s immortality medallion for your self, try this mod, fellow fraud.



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