Swedish artist Victoria Verseau, born in 1988 and based mostly in Stockholm, explores themes equivalent to physique, reminiscence, id and social constructions through a spread a media, from sculptures and installations to efficiency artwork and brief movies.
“The works are sometimes based mostly on her private experiences of being trans and a brand new lady,” her web site highlights. “Primarily based on her personal story, she examines bigger existential questions; who we’re, how we exist and who we need to be.”
Verseau’s characteristic movie debut, Trans Memoria, is especially private and intimate. The documentary diary sees her returning to Thailand, the place of her transition in 2012, navigating uncertainty amplified by her shut pal Meril’s suicide, and exploring challenges confronted by trans ladies, together with problems with id and that means.
“‘By no means be your self.’ That’s what the instructed us,” one pal says to Verseau in one of many scenes featured within the trailer for the movie.
The movie, which gained the Hiventy Put up-Manufacturing Award, a €5,000 ($5,375) grant for post-production companies, at Cannes Docs 2023 when it had the working title Meril, had its world premiere on the 58th Karlovy Fluctuate Worldwide Movie Competition on Saturday.
Verseau talked to THR about why she wished to relive and share her transition expertise and her struggles together with her pal’s loss of life in film kind, her ideas on the depiction of trans folks in movie, in addition to potential future tasks.
You by no means made a characteristic movie earlier than. Why did you need to share your expertise on this format? How a lot was your purpose to work via your personal challenges and the way a lot was it about explaining transition and its impression to different folks?
From the start, I believe it was the shock of figuring out that my pal Meril had died. It was largely, I believe, a therapeutic means for me to attempt to digest what had occurred. I’m additionally an artist, so that is one thing that comes very pure to me. I wished to attempt to perceive how issues unfolded and why and who I had develop into.
When did you resolve to go for a transition?
I had recognized since I used to be three years previous. Rising up in a small metropolis within the Swedish countryside within the Nineteen Nineties, noone even knew what a trans particular person was. I might say that I made a decision to transition once I received to learn about it once I was a youngster. And I went to Thailand again then when it had world-leading surgical procedures on gender affirmation surgical procedure. So I went to this very particular metropolis that I’m making an attempt to additionally depict within the movie. There, I met Meril who was additionally there to do the operation. So we actually supported one another earlier than this very unsure, and a bit scary, time that was forward of us. And we very a lot each longed for a life that will be higher and we actually yearned to seek out love.
We had been very heteronormative again then. We wished to discover a man to reside with. After which we went again to our properties. She was from France and lived in Paris. We stored in touch, and I visited her in Paris as soon as. And once I went to go to her the second time, I couldn’t attain her. Fairly quickly I spotted that she had ended her life, and my world fell aside. She was the one trans pal I had, and I mirrored myself in her. So I used to be questioning if I might finish the identical means as she did, and I went into a really, very deep melancholy.
How did you meet Athena and Aamina who journey and focus on points with you all through the movie? And the way did they affect the movie?
It’s actually been a curler coaster. Initially, I wished to make a fiction movie about me and Meril. I solid Athena and Aamina to play me and Meril. And after we went to Thailand, we really filmed each fiction scenes and documentary reenactments. I used to be a bit like: will this really work? Can I ever? It’s like nothing turns into what you thought it could be – and the movie didn’t develop into what I imagined it to be in any respect.
The 2 of them are very outspoken, they usually challenged me quite a bit. And it felt I couldn’t draw back from that, they usually actually wished to have their views within the movie, which felt so necessary. So, it’s slightly bit all over the place. I really like that it kind of has its personal kind.
What additionally performed a task right here is how trans ladies are depicted on movie. For Aamina, it is extremely necessary to not be sensationaled or exoticized as a trans lady. I actually am completely happy to see that as a result of life is advanced. It has each darkness and lightweight. I believe it’s a movie of contrasts – it has cinematic, meticulously framed pictures and in addition shaky digital digital camera realism. It has humor and unhappiness, a touch of humor. So distinction is essential.
As a result of I’m a visible artists, I additionally felt I’m there to let the method lead me by some means, and so the movie is simply very free and doesn’t obey that many guidelines. You possibly can say it’s trans. I like that expression.
Are you able to share a bit in regards to the timeline of once you determined to start out work on the movie and once you completed it?
We did the surgical procedure in 2012. She handed away in 2015. After which I, fairly instantly, began simply writing our story for myself. I didn’t share it with anybody. After which I felt it was so essential to speak about it as a result of her dad and mom condemned her determination to transition, they usually threw her out of the home, and her Fb profile disappeared. So it was nearly like she had by no means existed. It kind of felt like this movie wanted to be kind of a testomony of her that she really existed as soon as, a commemoration.
I had movie materials from 2012 and even from the ’90s once I was a child. I went to Thailand to movie in 2019, and I used to be actually depressed. So it was actually a problem to work on the movie then. After which we filmed the final scene final yr. It’s me and Athena, and we’re a lot happier. And we’re nonetheless right here at this time. And Aamina can be right here at this time.
What position did making the movie play in getting you to this happier place?
I believe the movie saved me. As a result of when it was at its worst for me, the movie was my solely that means. I felt I wanted to inform this story, and I can’t disappear like Meril did. And so in a means, it saved me.
The identical can be true for Athena really. She may not be right here if she didn’t have this undertaking to work on. She actually expressed that. it’s superb to listen to that it helped her a lot. Aamina, Athena and I had been like slightly group. We helped one another after we labored on the undertaking, nevertheless it was additionally very, very difficult. They had been to start with of their transition after we began filming. And at this time, they’ve gone via it – if there’s ever an finish to a transition. And I used to be actually in a melancholy. So we actually had a whole lot of arguments in the course of the making of the movie. And it felt crucial to handle that, in addition to having their views, and to point out the difficulties of creating this type of movie about trans ladies as trans ladies your self.
I’ve lived fairly an eventful and dramatic life, and I felt burned out by that. And now I’ve entered one other period. Now it’s the time to inform folks about it.
Generally the movie seems like a ghost story, such because the resort in Thailand the place you and Meril stayed and a mall that’s now deserted. You also have a dialog when one you tries to take a photograph and says “go,” however you perceive “ghost” or “ghosts.” We even see you beneath a blanket trying like a ghost. I heard you will have additionally carried out exhibition with a ghost theme or title. Why does the ghost theme resonate with you?
It kind of has many meanings. Ghosts may, after all, be reminiscences that hang-out you. And so they linger, they by no means abandon you. But it surely additionally could be very a lot me having a tough time accepting that issues disappear. I miss my grandmother a lot. I miss Meril a lot. And I miss issues that I’ve misplaced, and locations and buildings that may have been torn down.
I went again to Thailand to this identical metropolis in 2023, and the resort had been closed all the way down to be demolished. And the shopping center, as you say, had actually decayed and been crammed with water. It’s scary seeing how issues fade and disappear. But it surely’s additionally breathtaking.
I join it to desires as effectively – reminiscences and desires. I dreamt quite a bit about Meril and the town. After which there are not any folks there, it’s not just like the Thailand you often see crammed with tuk-tuks (three-wheeled motorized autos used as taxis) and seashores. It’s extra this empty, bizarre in-between house. I really feel I get near one thing in that house. I discover a whole lot of that means in not figuring out all the things additionally. You’ll be able to’t ever communicate to somebody who handed away, despite the fact that some would say you’ll be able to. Through the movie I additionally tried to speak about that muteness. When somebody dies, there’s a transparent boundary – you’ll be able to by no means attain that particular person. However on the identical time, I hope that it could be attainable.
I generally consider, and I additionally doubt. So there’s this fixed shifting between positions – ambivalence. The integrity of telling my story has additionally felt very ambivalent.
‘Trans Memoria’
Courtesy of Karlovy Fluctuate Worldwide Movie Competition
Meril is an enormous presence within the movie despite the fact that we don’t actually see her. Did you ever contemplate exhibiting her in some kind, for instance, via pictures all through the movie or did that really feel not respectful?
It was each respecting her, as a result of I couldn’t ask her if she wished to be a part of it, but additionally respecting the household, despite the fact that they did one thing horrible. I didn’t need to kind of reveal their id.
Additionally, I believe I’ve two photos of Meril, I don’t have any voice recording, and I all I’ve is my reminiscences and this vacancy. That vacancy, I really feel, was necessary, that void. Absence was necessary for the movie.
You additionally discuss quite a bit about hope, loneliness, and the way you and Meril had been hoping to seek out love within the movie. How have issues performed out for you?
Yeah, I’ve a accomplice. I discovered that cis man like me and Meril wished to seek out. We’ve been in a relationship for 10 years. I really like him very a lot. However possibly Meril and I had a bit unrealistic desires after we struggled a lot and fought a lot and imagined what we’d get and didn’t get that. And I really feel a lot, a lot better at this time. Ending this movie was necessary as a result of it was kind of one thing that stored me from transferring on in life.
Athena has additionally discovered the love of her life. In order that’s very good. I’ve that means at this time, and I hope it would final. I believe I discovered a means, and Athena additionally did very a lot. I believe the movie helped us by some means.
What would you want folks to remove once they see the movie?
The movie has this fairly distinctive voice and a mixing of various codecs and it doesn’t actually obey the foundations that a lot. However I additionally want that folks would really feel that they’ve been in a position to get a glimpse into hidden wounds that haven’t been seen earlier than. And possibly they’ll discover one thing about these extra existential questions, equivalent to that means, mortality. It’s a really sincere movie. I really feel I don’t censor myself.
I’m wondering if one takeaway for folks seeing the movie may even be that transition shouldn’t be a fast bodily change, however takes extra…
Yeah, it’s actually a course of, each very bodily, but additionally psychological. And the invisible interior journey is essential, what’s occurring inside. That’s certainly very a lot part of the movie.
Do you will have any ideas on the depiction of trans folks in movie, on TV and even within the information?
I heard someplace that there was this trans revolution, and so many tales about our lives have been made. However often they had been made by folks with out that have, and in addition folks with out that have are taking part in us.
I additionally agree with the group that there have been a whole lot of tragic narratives. That’s one thing I actually struggled with when making this movie. I wanted to inform my sincere, true story, my expertise, however then additionally Athena is asking me within the movie why I’m making this darkish movie.
However I believe there’s a distinction when the creator of the movie is trans herself and telling folks about her personal story. And likewise, there’s humor in it. The movie ends with this scene the place we managed to complete this loopy undertaking after eight years, and we really feel higher at this time. It’s necessary that Athena and I are nonetheless right here at this time. We didn’t disappear like Meril sadly.
However I couldn’t disguise actuality. I want that this dialogue would additionally come up after folks see the movie as a result of I really feel what I’m seeing hasn’t actually been depicted on movie. Life is advanced. It has each darkness and lightweight in it. I perceive the necessity for extra constructive narratives as effectively to establish with. However I wished to make a extra sincere movie about what I’ve been via. Some moments are happier and you’re discovering your means, some moments are darker.
May we see extra movies from you?
I’ve new concepts and am writing many alternative concepts. However I can’t actually say a lot about them but. I’ve this superstition that, if I inform an excessive amount of too early, it’s going to not occur.
There’s an previous movie concept that I really began earlier than Trans Memoria. I’m going to attempt to end it. However I’ve different tasks which might be newer and which may be extra consultant of what I do at this time.
The rest I haven’t requested you about that you just wish to spotlight?
You actually requested excellent questions. One different factor I wished to discover when making the movie was id and once you obtain your biggest dream, what comes after that. It’s important to relate to normality and the life after. I got here to some extent the place I used to be kind of completed, despite the fact that you’re by no means completed. After which I noticed that my id was part of the battle. I kind of misplaced slightly bit who I used to be after the transition. I wanted to seek out out who I used to be, once more after the transition. And this movie is part of that. It actually doesn’t have to do this a lot with the precise surgical procedure, however is about discovering your id.
We’re all particular person inside, however it may be scary once you get labeled. It’s the identical with being trans. I believe: am I actually trans or am I only a human being that has this expertise? And what’s trans? In fact, I’m, and I’m a girl, however I used to be additionally slightly boy sooner or later. You are able to do many issues throughout a life and undergo all these phases and have all these completely different experiences alongside the way in which. So everyone seems to be in a transition.
Interview edited for size and readability.
